I Won't Let Go
by lilmm
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes if they live too much in their own heads. Blaine doesn't know what he's doing. Part three of the Doubts series.


**I feel kind of heartless and wrong for saying it, but one of the saddest things for me about On My Way wasn't the Karofsky or Quinn storylines, it was watching Blaine right before he sang Cough Syrup. It was the line: "I don't want to waste any more time on _him_." That line says so many things about where he's at right now, but the biggest thing I took away from it is that poor Blaine thinks his time with Kurt is limited. The mix of emotions on his face when he said that just got to me. Maybe it got to me more than the other storylines because I didn't see it coming, but it's stayed with me and I can't help replaying those few seconds over and over.**

**This story is probably going to be the last in this series as I'm sure upcoming episodes will make large details of it irrelevant, but I'm incredibly proud of it, so no regrets.**

**I don't own Glee.**

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><p>Blaine paced his room anxiously, the hot summer breeze blowing in through his window doing nothing to calm his nerves.<p>

He had to do this. He knew he did. It was for the best, for both of them. For Kurt.

"What are you so nervous for?" Kurt's voice lilted from the doorway. Blaine spun around and his breath caught in his throat the way it always did when he saw his boyfriend for the first time on any given day.

No. Not his boyfriend. Not anymore.

"Um. Come here. Sit down. There's something I want to talk about," Blaine said, taking Kurt's hands in his for the last time and leading him over to his bed.

_Not the last time. Please not the last time._

"Blaine? Honey? What's going on?"

Blaine took a breath and kneeled at Kurt's feet, unwilling to let his hands go just yet.

"Kurt," he could do this. He could do this. He knew this was for the best. "I- I think we should break up."

Kurt's faced paled, his eyes looked betrayed. "What?"

_Fuck._

Blaine was the worst boyfriend ever. He didn't try to reclaim Kurt's hands when they were snatched away. He didn't have a right to hold them anymore anyway.

"Kurt," _just get it over with, Blaine._ "I love you. I always will. But you're leaving for New York in three days and it's not fair for me to hold on to you. Not when you have so much to experience without some high school boyfriend weighing you down and holding you back."

"Where is this coming from?" Kurt asked, eyes narrowed in anger and loss. Blaine hated that look on his face.

"Kurt…"

"Did someone say something to you? Did I-"

"No! No, Kurt, you're perfect. And you deserve a boyfriend who can be there for you all the time, who can be _with_ you when you need him to be."

"So that's it? Honey, we made long distance work before," Kurt begged. "How is this so different from when I first transferred to McKinley?"

Blaine sighed and broke their eye contact. "Two hours isn't really long distance, Kurt. We could still drive to see each other whenever we wanted. New York is so much farther away than that."

"But… I love you. I want _you_. Why should the distance-"

"Look, I love you, Kurt. _So much_. Part of me wants to marry you and adopt kids together and support each other at award shows." Kurt smiled at that, taking Blaine's hands in his again and Blaine held on desperately.

_One more time._ He could allow himself one more time.

"I want that too," Kurt whispered.

Blaine squeezed their hands to his chest and closed his eyes tightly for a moment.

"But, Kurt, the idea of you being so far away for so long, of not being able to hold you and kiss you or even see you properly while our lives diverge so far apart – and you know they will," he said as Kurt opened his mouth to protest. "It hurts, Kurt. It hurts so much and I- I don't know that I'll be able to stand it."

They were both silent for a while, each of them trying to hold on to what remained of their composure. Blaine hoped he could contain himself long enough for Kurt to leave before he broke down into what he knew would be ugly, gasping sobs. Like he already had every other night this week.

Stubbornly, Blaine steeled his mind for possibly the hundredth time that day. He had to do this. He knew it would be for the best for both of them eventually. He just had to get through right now.

"What, exactly, do you think will change about all that if we break up now?" Kurt asked slowly. His eyes still shone with pain, but his face was determined, the tilt of his chin was challenging and Blaine's heart dropped further.

This was going to be so much more difficult than he thought.

"If you'll miss me so much, why are you trying to throw me away completely?"

_Throw him away? Was that what he thought this was?_

"Kurt, I'm not trying to throw you away."

"Really? Because that sure sounds exactly like what you're doing."

"Kurt…"

"I'm warning you, Blaine, if we break up now you won't even get bad Skype images of me to tide you over. I won't go back to that friends-who-want-more stage with you. Not now. Not after everything we've been through."

Blaine's heart shattered in his chest the way he'd always feared it would. He'd hoped they could at least figure out how to still be friends.

One of Kurt's hands rose to cup Blaine's face and Blaine leaned into it, inhaling the faint scent of Kurt's cologne. He did his best not to cry.

"Don't you think the idea of leaving you behind hurts me too?" Kurt asked softly. "Don't you think I'll feel it like a visceral pain in my chest every time I see or experience something I want to share with you only to remember that you'll still be stuck here and not waiting for me in our bed where I can curl against you and hold you every night? I want you there with me, Blaine. When I think about my future, I see you there next to me, holding my hand and smiling at me with those big, dopey eyes of yours. Believe me, I've thought this through and I'm willing to stick it out, to work for it, because I love you. I'm not about to give you up without a fight."

Blaine felt the tears finally run down his face, hot against his already heat-flushed skin.

He couldn't do this. What made him think he was strong enough to break the best thing that had ever happened to him? He knew the coming months would be torture, but he didn't know what else to do. How was he supposed to survive his senior year without his best friend by his side? How was he supposed to survive knowing his boyfriend was likely to get offers from taller, handsomer, more experienced men on probably a daily basis? He wasn't built for this.

Kurt's arms curled around him and Blaine buried himself in his shirt, his arms clinging to Kurt's back hard enough to probably leave bruises. He couldn't help himself, though. He needed Kurt.

They held each other like that for long minutes while Blaine tried to stifle his sobs. He'd give anything to always be able to feel Kurt's hands run soothingly up and down his back like this. Why had he been such an idiot as to think they should break up?

"Blaine? Honey? Does this have to do with that letter you wrote?"

Blaine sniffled and looked up, only now aware that Kurt had somehow maneuvered himself down to kneel on the floor without him noticing.

"What letter?"

Kurt hesitated. "The one you wrote after the slushie. The one you didn't want me to read."

Blaine felt his stomach drop and the blood rush out of his face.

"You found-"

"Shortly after you wrote it, I think. I was straightening your room when you were in the shower one day and I saw my name on an envelope. I couldn't help myself."

Blaine dropped his eyes and tried to turn his face away. No one was ever supposed to read the letters he wrote. They were a form of therapy, like his boxing, something his mom suggested he do after the Sadie Hawkins dance so he wouldn't bottle so many of his emotions inside. Normally he locked them up in a small safe in the back of his closet to open and read later, but he'd lost the one to Kurt.

What must Kurt think of him?

"Honey?"

Blaine couldn't even remember what was in the letter. Those days were such a fog of pain killers and angry hurt confusion that he tried not to think of them at all.

_Fuck_.

"Blaine, what you wrote… you could never hold me back. On the days that I doubt myself, that I question whether it's worth it to keep going or to just give up… you're what gives me hope. When I was at my darkest you were the one to take my hand and prove to me that I wasn't worthless, that I was right to stand up for myself. I had options. You helped me see that everything I am, everything I enjoy was worth something. I feel important and special because of you."

Kurt touched Blaine's face gently, wiping the tear tracks away with soft fingers. Blaine gazed at him with longing, not daring to unclench his fists from the material of Kurt's shirt.

_Please_.

He didn't even know what he wanted anymore, but Blaine knew he couldn't let go. He couldn't lose this.

"I don't want you to go," he whispered eventually.

Kurt's face crumpled in sympathy, his eyes closing as he leaned in to kiss Blaine gently on the forehead. He always did that when Blaine was worried about them, about how long they could last. Thinking about it, Blaine realized it was something Kurt started doing on Valentine's Day. After he had blown up about Karofsky of all people. Had Kurt known how messed up he was about this even then?

"Honey, you know that just because I'll be in a different state it doesn't mean I'm not yours, right?"

"I can't do this on my own."

"You won't be on your own. We'll call each other every night to do our skin care routine together, just like we always have. And we can text each other and Skype. I know it won't be the same, but you won't be on your own. You'll always have me. And Artie and Tina and everybody else still in glee will be here too," Kurt added, smiling softly. "I know they can't compare, but you do have other friends. I know you're strong enough to get through this."

"I'm not strong, Kurt."

"Yes. You are. So much more than you know. You're going to take McKinley by storm this year and you'll probably be accepted to every college you apply for and next year you'll come to New York and we can find some cozy little apartment together and finally start living the rest of our lives the way we want to. I know it, Blaine. We can make it happen. But only if you're willing to try."

Blaine closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Kurt's chest. He was so tired. Every part of his body ached with strung-out emotions.

The room was silent but for the sound of their breathing and the gentle clacking of the blinds at his window. This was the room where they first made love, where Blaine fell into bed with fluttering insides and a grin that hurt his face the afternoon of their first kiss. All the happy memories he could think of taking place in this room had to do with Kurt. He belonged here as much as Blaine did.

And Blaine belonged to Kurt.

They belonged together. They had ever since Kurt stopped him on that staircase.

It was as simple as that.

Blaine caught his breath and looked back up into Kurt's eyes.

"I want to try."

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><p><strong>Thoughts?<strong>


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